Fake Friday: OC Transpo Introduces Plan To Improve Service


Ottawa – The city’s transit system is about to improve dramatically according to OC Transpo head, Gil Fallon, who launched new initiatives to improve Ottawa’s beleaguered bus service. At a press conference early Wednesday morning, Fallon unveiled a bold new plan that includes personable stop calls, a new 24km articulated bus, and the swift removal of any head grease stains on bus windows.

After much consideration, OC Transpo has decided to drop expensive plans for an automated PA system to call out route stops, instead choosing a more economically feasible plan to hire former NORTEL employees using megaphones. This new plan will not only employ hundreds of previously unemployed Nortel workers, but also offer riders a more personable and intimate ride experience. “We hope our clients will enjoy the live call-outs as opposed to the cold, computerized system we had originally considered.” Fallon explained. Former Nortel employees are excited at the chance to work again and be integrated back into the work force. “I can still wear my ties and interact with the public in a positive manner.” Jim Lisk remarked as he attended megaphone traing sessions yesterday.
OC Transpo also has recently purchased a 24km long articulated bus that will alleviate wait times and crowding along the Transitway. “Now folks can just hop on one gigantic bus and since the Transitway is only 27km to begin with, the bus will only have to travel a short distance conserving fuel and operating costs.” stated Fallon. Some riders are concerned they will have to walk great distances once inside the bus, but moving pedways along the center aisle have been installed to address the issue.
Over 100 new janitorial staff have been hired by OC Transpo to swiftly remove the head grease stains that predominant most bus windows in an effort to improve service. “Riders used to not look out the windows because they were repulsed by the grease stains from people falling asleep against the glass, but now with our clean-up staff, we hope they will once again enjoy the beautiful scenery the city has to offer.” Fallon urged.
Rider morale is projected to rise considerably with this new “action plan” and already there seems to be a positive response. “I can’t wait to hear the megaphone call-outs in a clear, discernible voice. Being blind, I rely on the stop calls and before I could hardly make out the garbled, distorted sounds coming from the driver.” Holly Nerbin exclaimed. “And the new super- long bus should make missing my bus a thing of the past.”

Editor’s note: Every Friday on OttawaStart, we’ll feature a “best of” post from the-o-dot, the satircal Ottawa blog. This article originally appeared here.

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